I have a good friend that recently claimed that spontaneity must be the most overrated thing ever. Like most of the times it just leads to confusion and stress. I totally agree but at the moment I find myself feeling too strict in the other direction. I feel like an uptight old lady. Planning by all means but the everyday rat race makes me nuts. I do see the beauty of the normal life but I don’t always like myself in it – or what it turns me into when I’m not careful enough. Then I’m not as curious that I used to be or I’m thinking much more of tomorrow than enjoying the everyday party. It’s like my mind becomes an grumpy old man but my body is still young. I blame the kids. Not per se my kids but more just having them. When the rat race is in full bloom we tend to do everything so it will run as smooth as possible. We are directing every part of life. That’s natural but I just need to step out of it for a bit. I just want to be really egoistic for a while. I just want to scream – WHAT ABOUT ME?!
Last time I felt like this I booked a trip to New York (see a pattern here?)
My father drove me to the airport and I was shaking because I was so nervous to leave. It was the first time I left the family for a long period and all alone since getting a family. Della was about a year and a half. I felt that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was a mum. Period. Well maybe a wife as well.
At the airport I locked myself in the ladies room, cried and called Erik – totally convinced that I would never see them again and I was 1 mm from canceling the whole thing. My father who gets nervous when I have a cold didn’t know what to do. But I’m too Famcho (as I call the female version of macho) not to go so I threw up at the passport checkpoint in my fathers dog bag – then I slept all the way to New York and another 16 hours when I got there. After that I had one of the best weeks in my life. So I guess having a bit of Who am I crisis always lead to something good.